Choose Joy

Choose Joy

I must, must I muster the courage to choose

Joy?

When all fear threatens my integrity,

I must choose joy.

As the world fights over color and creed,

I must choose joy.

When the winds, rains, and earthquakes threaten me,

I must choose joy.

At first sign of sickness or disease,

I must choose joy.

As I receive what I have been promised,

I must choose joy.

When everything is going as I have planned,

I must choose joy.

While my job comes through and the bills are paid,

I must choose joy.

When I see progress in myself and in my family,

I must choose joy.

When nothing goes to plan,

I must choose joy.

When defeat and failure face me,

I must choose joy.

When trials and trying times come my way,

I must choose joy.

When I cannot see victory,

I must choose joy.

 

Choosing joy is the Answer.

Choosing joy brings our triumph.

I choose joy for the sake of my testimony.

I choose joy so you are reminded to,

choose joy.

Closer

Closer

The only thing keeping me from you is time.

What more could I ask for on this lonely night.

This city cannot contain me.

Nowhere have I found the place that brings me closer to you.

Even with you lying beside me.

Still I need you closer.

It brings me to tears

Because I know you are in the infinite.

I live in such a finite world.

I cannot fight sleep enough just for another encounter with you.

I cannot get enough of you.

I only see you.

And I wish I could forget to breathe before I lose sight of you.

It is who you are that makes me desire you.

There is so much of you that I have yet to see

But believe you-me

Relentlessly, I will seek.

Knowing I will always find

Because you have promised me so.

And oh so long will I run.

I will run miles and miles and miles.

To you.

Do you see me now?

These tears I shed for you.

I can’t hardly contain myself.

How else do you undo love?

Because I am undone

Make me blind to the seen so I may see what is unseen.

Shut my ears that I might hear you.

Close my heart from the outside in

So you might heal it from the inside-outward flowing.

Ask me to dance with you.

I promise you I have practiced every step.

But if I slip, I know that you will catch me.

No one will ever know

Because your love for me is effortless and graceful.

You always take the lead

But if I forget and take a step.

I will always come back and follow.

Alone

Alone

You have me

I stand strong

They speak to me

I cannot see myself

Without the thought of you

Breakable at the point of being

With you I can call myself whole and

You revive my strength as I stand

Into the night I look to you

Waking in the morning with you on my mind

My heart tenderly relies on you

And I cannot get enough of you with me

You are in my dreams

Together we are

Dancing on air

We look into each other’s eyes

And I remember I am never

Without you unless I am with you out of me

Like each breath I breathe

But before you I will never live

Because I have tasted life without you

That is when I am

Wanting death just to be closer to you and you-

That is why I will always choose you

:: Alone.

Throwing Shade

Throwing Shade

They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” John 8:7

Last night I was on the floor in the dark waiting for what I can only describe as a “spark of inspiration.” Nothing had come to me yet. I did not have a busy day yesterday, but sometimes those are the days where I feel the most drained.

You might be asking why I mentioned the moment I was lying on the ground in the dark as a suitable introduction. It is because, as my face was tucked into my arms, I was reminded of a story that struck me as a corrective reminder of forgiveness. I hope you remember what I mentioned a couple of weeks ago when in the letter to my past self, I shared how it was important to forgive daily until you have healed completely. And lately like so many of us, I held on to my frustration against someone who has not been a part of my life for a while now.

From my perspective, I saw this person as selfish and a liar. I could see right through their stories of how busy they were. This person meant a lot to me, but looking back, I was less than a good friend in exchange. In fact, I could go as far as to say I was the selfish one in the end. In selfishness, I did what any person without integrity would do. I threw shade at the situation. I threw shade at the person. I spoke ill about them behind their back and to them as much I could. I had anger. I was bitter.

Throw shade: the action of publicly criticizing a person, usually a friend.

Like I mentioned before, people have their seasons of growth at different times. I look back and sometimes I have to find the strength to accept my foolishness without condemnation. Something else I have learned is that there will not always be a place for closure. Sometimes a prayer is all you can give.

As a kid, I remember watching Pinocchio. When the song “When You Wish Upon a Star” came on,  I used to walk to my window as soon as it was dark and search for a star. I would look at the moon and just hope with everything in my tiny self. I did not have a wish to offer the star, but I would hold my closed hands to my chest and squeeze my eyes shut. I wanted something beyond my known world. I have always been this way and honestly, I pray that part of me never changes.

I would go back and if I could, I would ask God to teach me to be a better person every opportunity I had to be one. I know little Norma had no intention in ever hurting anyone. She would cry at the idea of any friend being less than special to her world. Throwing anything upon a person, good or bad would be out of her character.

As the Pharisees threw the woman before the crowd of people, Jesus did not see a criminal. He saw a person who had a name. Allow me to give her a nickname. Let us call her Bethany. Bethany was not perfect. In fact, she sounds like she made her fair share of bad decisions. We do not know how she was caught with another man, because none of that mattered to Jesus. He saw Bethany and he saw her as someone in need of love and healing from brokeness. As Jesus asked the people around her to only throw a stone at her if they were without sin, Bethany probably winced a little with expectation of feeling pain from the stones. No one took action and instead they walked away. Jesus approached her and forgave her. She left unchanged on the outside, but was renewed within.

How many times do we find ourselves in new clothes or with a new hairstyle just to cover up the fact that we have something within ourselves that has yet to be improved? After my haircut and color change, I know I still go to bed and wake up the same Norma in need of a career and a degree, and sometimes I still look up out of my window when I can and look for the moon or a star. This time I talk to God. I listen to Him in hope and I have faith that everything in my life is just as it should be as long as I am doing what I am supposed to do daily.

The Coffee Shop Review

The Coffee Shop Review

I have a passionate interest in the English language throughout history. In my free time I write poetry. It helps to have recently come from a visually stimulating adventure when writing. Everyday, I make it a goal to discover a book store or find a cute shop. I was once a barista so I have a love for coffee and lattes. In San Diego, I have found many unique cafes and coffee shops with their own personality and ambiance. Today, I will review three spots throughout San Diego. I will try to stick to a scale of location, barista-costumer interaction, and satisfaction with my drink. I am not going to judge the drink itself because I have ordered different drinks at different places. I will be talking about how I felt after I ordered the drink whether it was underwhelming or satisfactory to what I was desiring in the moment.

Dark Horse Coffee Roasters

This is the place my brother, Alex, has been bragging about for at least the past three months. I finally had the opportunity to try a drink at their North Park location and it was not their coffee. It’s strange I know. I ordered an iced matcha latte with almond milk. Even though I have yet to taste the coffee, I left extremely satisfied. I am not sure if it was because I had been craving a good matcha drink or if it was because it was ten o’clock in the morning on a Sunday. It was the perfect kick-start to a busy day. The location was primarily driven by people my age or a little bit older. I see it catering to a younger demographic without losing its taste for an older crowd at about fifteen years my senior. The shop itself was small, there was a line out of the store and only a few tables but I can see the place being more of an in-and-out kind of place. I was hoping for a study-stop kind of place, but I heard their Golden Hills location was more open. Since it was busy, there was not much of a memorable interaction with them other than stating the order, but I did hear the service was probably the greatest part of the experience. I have yet to see it, but I will definitely try and make it back sometime soon to either this location or one of their better known locations.

Heartsleeves Coffee

If you are familiar with the Alice in Wonderland novel or have watched the movies and enjoyed them, you might enjoy Heartsleeves. This coffee place is tucked away between two lovely boutiques in Little Italy. The seating is an outdoor courtyard, which is pretty inviting. I ordered a drink that was called something like the White Rabbit it was an Italian soda with vanilla, but I opted to add an espresso shot making it a Dirty White Rabbit. I loved that drink. It was probably one of my favorite so far. I liked it because it was not a latte, but it was not just an Italian soda. The barista was helpful when I talked about what I wanted and when I asked what was popular she recommended the white rabbit drink. I would probably go back with a friend on a Saturday morning.

Communal Coffee 

Located on the corner of University Avenue and Texas Street, this coffee and flowers shop has more than coffee to offer. I had an iced lavender and vanilla latte and it was delicious. The barista was quick to make a conversation and was able to throw out drinks that I might like. Since it is on a busy street in San Diego and its on a corner, I’d say it is one of the most prime locations I have been to. They have a large shop so there is a lot of seating and there were people meeting there, as well as students on their computers. There are flowers and plants everywhere and most of the seating is indoors. I visited on a weekday afternoon and the environment was somewhat quiet, but I did not feel bad for laughing and enjoying myself around Kalvin. It is also a great place to take Instagram photos. If I could, I’d make this my every weekday hang out spot and constantly walk out with a few flowers and a drink.

October Thirst

October Thirst

In October, there are bonfires in the evening. The wind is brisk in the mornings but the heat raises at midday. Have you ever run through a corn maze in the dark? The screaming and laughter really helps when a man with a mask and chainsaw chases you. I remember the leaves falling. I remember visiting Colorado twice. The hillside and horizon was filled with fire-like treetops. The oranges, reds, and yellows were vibrant. I saw the fallen leaves in piles. I was never interested in fall until I fell in love with the season back in 2012. I could not wait to revisit such a beautiful place again.

October is a second shot at a new beginning. Octobers are for healing. We ask for an answer and the leaves even remind us it is time to change. When will the idea of a perfect job or a perfect relationship give us the happiness we have been waiting for? All we need to do is change ourselves. The healing does not come from our own doing. It comes from the release of control.

I can sit in my bed for hours on end reading a book or blogging my life away but none of it means a thing if I do not leave my house and be the change I so proudly proclaim to do. So you can find me roaming around San Diego in search of the next Legacy Live event idea or sitting on the shore somewhere along the ocean or a bay waiting for the quietest moments to hear my next spark of inspiration. Come at me October. I am thirsty for adventure.

 

Song of Solitude

Song of Solitude

I stood at the corner of hustle and bustle without a sense of direction.

I had walked past isolation avenue, the street before

And decided to walk further north.

There, I found you. Solitude, I love you.

It was no doubt a sweet reunion.

I was filled with tears, these were tears of joy, of course.

I never believed I would miss you so much.

You brought me gifts of content and peace.

I walked with you along ocean shores

And sat on tree branches eight to ten feet off the ground.

No one sees the beauty in the stillness.

They do not value the soothing sound of a receding wave

Like they do in the sound of a crashing wave roar.

Clarity of thought is found in hearing my own breath inhale-hold and exhale.

It makes me wonder

If I were a leaf falling in autumn,

Would I believed I was flying before I hit the ground?

It would not matter if I were the leaf or the grass growing tall and unattended.

The blade stretches out to heaven in hopes of kissing the sky.

Even the soft hum of the wind dancing between the leaves

They can have their moment of fame

Like the symphony of cicadas in the summer evening.

I know we will only enjoy each other for a season at a time

And for only an evening or two within that time but it is always well worth it.

I can only see myself running so far without returning home.

A nap will only allow me to literally sleep my life away.

And I love company of friends and family

But something about you,

Solitude.

I wish I could put you in my pocket or call you to my rescue in my time of need.

Hear My Heartbeat

Hear My Heartbeat

Then I heard the Lord asking, “Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?” I said, “Here I am. Send me.” Isaiah 6:8

 

I see myself in the midst of darkness with my eyes closed and my heart beating. There are ripples of light coming from my chest. They are reaching streets and highways filled with people in their cars and pedestrians alike. Before today, I would maybe share this with a handful of people, if anyone at all. But I also promised myself to share from the heart. This image was the only gift I could give you. It is to remind you to have compassion for all people.

I was reminded of the song “Hear My Heart” by Andy Mineo today while listening to a podcast by Zoe Church out in Los Angeles, California. Friends, I want you to hear my heartbeat for my city.

For too long, I have been excusing the sight of half empty churches on Sundays. I know I have friends out here in San Diego. They are finding countless reasons to do what, they feel, is more important than pursuing the life God has planned for them. I hear excuses like, I need to live my testimony first or I am just not there right now, maybe when I am a little bit older but not now. 

In a culture and a city where we are offered thousands of other activities to do instead of being in a positive environment, I stand in a room with a capacity to hold forty to fifty people but only twelve are standing before me. I am tired of blaming everyone but myself for the lack of Christianity in my city. I see now I am the solution to this problem, and if you are reading this and saying to yourself, “Yeah, Norma I totally agree with you” allow yourself to be informed that you too are the solution as well. You are here to be the high-tower projecting light into the darkness.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John 13:34

Today, we live among those who are hurt and in fear. Sometimes, I find myself overwhelmed with grief for the body of Christ. I hear some people say that prayer is not enough, we need action, but prayer is the action we make for it is only through Him that we will find truth. We activate our faith which guides us to speak and do what is righteous before God.

When were we deemed the holy crusaders of today, burning down villages and churches in the name of the Lord? Honor is not about choosing a blue stripe or a black flag; if you place those symbols before your faith, then you are the problem.

I am no super hero. I have no super powers. Honestly, I wish I had super speed, but that is a topic for another day. I am a human being. I am almost twenty-three and guess what? I do not have all the answers. I know that I do not know it all. What a shock right?

That image I described before, is not the way I see myself. Heck, I am sure it is not the way any person sees me. Today, I hope you have a desire to hear what your heart is beating for. Is it wanting to make your city a better place? Do you have a pulse of compassion? What happens when no one knows what God can give? Will you put your pride aside and stand to be the solution to a desert city in desperate need of water. Will you be at the well asking for drink?

 

Auriel with Bears in Santa Monica

She stood among the hundreds of people on the pier. There were families and children alike. Auriel was alone. Her black military boots weighed her down as she shuffled across the pier in hunger. She was in search of shelter and rest on a one-hundred degree day in late September. There was no sign of it.

She peaked through every game booth and under every attraction, but there seemed to be nothing, except a run down building, which looked to be an old fun house. Nothing was defeating this heat so this had to be the solution. She found an old back door to enter through and proceeded into the fun house, the back door closing behind her.

When she entered, the room was void of light. Not even the light from the outside reached into the room. She reached out into the open space. There was nothing. “Hey, are you there?” she called out, though she did not know who she was calling to. The void silenced her until she took a step onto what sounded like twigs snapping under a soft crunch. She knelt down and grazed her palms along the ground. There were matches, broken ones, still she took the chance at lighting them. The match box was flattened next to the matches so she grabbed what felt like a handful and the match box in hopes of seeing what was around her.

A sharp spark ignited the flame. She held the flame out and saw a nine foot bear, frozen, with its mouth open, and front paws in front of its face. She screamed and her breath blew out the match. She stood in the dark struck with fear.

After realizing it might have been an old statue, she stood with the second match, this time with a little more confidence. As she carried the flame in her other hand walking to the left, she saw a bear sitting in a rocking chair while it rocked back and forth it too was still and made no noise. Her mouth dropped and her finger tips went numb. Suddenly, the bear’s head turned to her. She screamed once again and the flame went out. This time she wanted to run, but there was no way out without a light to reach the door which she had entered through.

Intending to leave the fun house, Auriel lit another match. She saw a cute and harmless sign with a cub on it. It had an arrow inches below it that pointed at what looked like a plate of hardy breakfast. She ran to the plate without a second thought as to how and why this meal would be in a dark room with old carnival attractions. She approached the food and began to eat. It was delicious, warm, and filling. She was exhausted from the day and decided to find a place to sleep. Anywhere in the room seemed okay to sleep, especially because she hadn’t slept in a bed for a while now. Fortunately for her, there was a pile of dirty old tent material next to the bear cub sign, so it was a perfect bed for a nap. She slept.

Soon the lights went on with a cackle from a couple of the amusement park employees. They stopped in their tracks when they smelled the smoke of a burned match in the air. They saw no open flames and the plastic food hadbeen chewed on. Someone had entered the Fairy Tale Fun-House, but who?

Auriel was still sound asleep. The employees found her, but dared not touch her directly. She looked filthy and poor. They grabbed a broom handle and poked her to see if she was alive. It didn’t seem like it. “Dude, is she-” the male employee said until he saw her wince. They two took a sigh of relief.

“Hey, you can’t be here.” the other male employee said. She quickly stood up and tried to run away, but could not find the exit. The park employees laughed at Auriel for her clumsy and disoriented actions. She soon found an exit door and fumbled over everything she never knew was in that room. Auriel left the building to find herself nearly alone at night.

She was still hungry and still alone.

 

A Letter to My Past Self

A Letter to My Past Self

Dear twenty-year-old Norma,

Your smile is contagious, never forget that. You are better than you feel. The papers will pile up, but I promise you education is power, so pursue it relentlessly. Be happy to make new friends. It is always a good idea to laugh along and smile back at people. Do not run away from your problems. It is when you approach them head on that you will find your victory, every time. Enjoy where you are no matter what. You do not know when you will have your last conversation with someone you consider a best friend. It is more than okay to move on.

Dear younger Norma, do not run in front of that car. If they walk away from you, it is not always to hurt you. Growth is healthful. Like a sunflower blossoms in the summer and a tulip in the spring, people have their own seasons too. Every time you see someone receive what you have been asking for, rejoice with them. It is only preparing you for your next blessing.

Enjoy the company of those you feel might not be worth your time. They are worth your time. Remember to love with God’s love and help with His heart. Hug with intention. Use your words with piercingly loving precision. It has not failed yet.

Forget that five year plan you made at seventeen. Allow God to guide you first. Allow Him to show you what His plan is for you and follow that. Stay focused. Remember to love no matter the situation. Love is rewarding. Teaching fiercely does not mean anything if you do not correct in love. Tolerance is not love, remember this too.

Dear second semester of sophomore year Norma, yes, you loved him at eighteen, but nothing like you will love him at twenty-two. I will let you know about twenty-three, but I am sure it will be so much greater. Be patient with your dreams. Do not lose them. Dreams are hope and inspiration. They are the vehicle to your destination. Faith is your fuel. Love is the motion.

Do not underestimate yourself. You have more to offer than you feel like you ever had. Remember to always give God every problem. Give God permission to dig deep into the foundation of your being, daily. Allow Him to pour himself into you. Doing so brings your gunk to the surface and that is okay. This is why it is always important for His love to be overflowing. True love is without void and is always forgiving.

Norma, forgive others daily until you know you are healed. Know that you are not enough by yourself and that is okay. Do not expect yourself to be perfect for another person, we all face adversity. Be sensitive to those in need of a hug or a smile.

It is okay to be happy without a smile plastered on your face. A smile can also be an excellent self-reminder of how happy you really are.

With best regards,

Norma Payne