Meditation and Faith

My God is the God of miracles.

I repeated over and over again last night a motto or a mantra that kept me from allowing any idle thought from taking over. “My God is the the God of miracles” I repeated, then began to pray.

“You are the God of Elijah. You provided food and water in his time of need. You provided shield from the scorching sun for Jonah, even in his disobedience. These are your people, before your salvation came to us. So how much more for your daughter, will you give unto me in my time of need. I love and desire you. I cry out to you. You are my provider. . .”

I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. Psalm 119:11

Even when the night brings its anxiety and depression. I call out for strength. I find myself in tears some nights when my days are filled with love and excitement. I feel alone sometimes. I learned that is okay to feel because the truth still stands. The truth is I am never alone. I cannot allow this lie to over take my darkest hour. No one person will ever fulfill my thirst for love because it must continually be quenched with the constant. In my inconsistent lifestyle, I have a savior. He calls me his own before any name change from Ramos to Payne, I was branded with Jesus’ name across my heart, across my forehead. I walk in His likeness even when I do not feel it. Truth is not found in the seen. It is found in the unseen.

For too long, I have sat on my dreams and goals. I believed the fear of failure was greater than what God had planned for my life. Like Peter walking out on the water but soon sinking, I took my faith to the next level just to see the waves in my life overtake my faith. Thankfully, like Peter, I was caught by none other than the Savior of the world.

Today, I urge you to find out what seems to be keeping you from the greatest that God has for you. It might be unwanted debt, fear of failure, sickness, or a stronghold like pornography or cheating. Yeah, it just got real guys. I know we all face our giants. I am not perfect either. I can tell you I am facing/have faced some of those things listed. Guess what? My God is always greater than whatever you are facing. Victory is just around the corner. It is time to claim your it!

Good Enough

Three years ago I had a very passionate roommate. She studied theology with an emphasis on missions and outreach. She had a heart for victims of human-trafficking. I found her love for Jesus contagious. I began to seek God much more than I could have ever imagined. I want to believe I did the same for her. I see her now on social media, occasionally. I know she is doing what God has planned for her, like I am where I need to be in this season. I say where God wants me to be without a doubt, but my faith is not at any great length this week. In fact, you can say it is about the size of a mustard seed.

Have you seen the size of a mustard seed? Those seeds are pretty small. These past few week have had me running circles around doubt and fear. I made the mistake in allowing those who do not believe in Jesus Christ to influence my worldview. I began to believe that there was something to fear in this season of my life. It was my mistake but after a long and early morning, I found myself once again in front of this laptop with my fingers gliding across this keyboard in order to give you the gift I always wish to give to you, my reader. The gift of joy and warmth. This is where I wish to find you. I want you and me to have this meeting as often as you want to encounter my blog.

I love to dream. I love giving myself room to ponder endless possibilities of how any special event will go. It allows me to be creative. Sometime though, my thoughts and desires overwhelm me. Sometimes I find myself waking up on a day like any other day in anxiety and grief.

Today, I do not believe I am good enough to be writing to people with words of encouragement when I have yet to be encouraged. That is the truth in how I feel, but I know I am not dictated by my feelings. Well, after a long morning of tears and sobbing I realize that I cannot be moved by how I feel.

I have been surrounded by loved ones who have reminded me that everything will work out. I guess that is true. I know I have a loving husband. I know I have an encouraging family. I know I have friends out there who genuinely pray for me and check-in on me often. I know this because I love my husband dearly, I love my family, and I do my best to keep my friends in my prayers. Every once in a while, I find myself in a good conversation with a friend or two. I am reminded that I am loved and sometimes even then I do not believe I am, once again, good enough for my life. The greatest truth in this is that I am good enough. I am so loved. I am beautiful especially when I do not see it. I am smart even when I cannot think straight. I am enough.

Hear My Heartbeat

Then I heard the Lord asking, “Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?” I said, “Here I am. Send me.” Isaiah 6:8

 

I see myself in the midst of darkness with my eyes closed and my heart beating. There are ripples of light coming from my chest. They are reaching streets and highways filled with people in their cars and pedestrians alike. Before today, I would maybe share this with a handful of people, if anyone at all. But I also promised myself to share from the heart. This image was the only gift I could give you. It is to remind you to have compassion for all people.

I was reminded of the song “Hear My Heart” by Andy Mineo today while listening to a podcast by Zoe Church out in Los Angeles, California. Friends, I want you to hear my heartbeat for my city.

For too long, I have been excusing the sight of half empty churches on Sundays. I know I have friends out here in San Diego. They are finding countless reasons to do what, they feel, is more important than pursuing the life God has planned for them. I hear excuses like, I need to live my testimony first or I am just not there right now, maybe when I am a little bit older but not now. 

In a culture and a city where we are offered thousands of other activities to do instead of being in a positive environment, I stand in a room with a capacity to hold forty to fifty people but only twelve are standing before me. I am tired of blaming everyone but myself for the lack of Christianity in my city. I see now I am the solution to this problem, and if you are reading this and saying to yourself, “Yeah, Norma I totally agree with you” allow yourself to be informed that you too are the solution as well. You are here to be the high-tower projecting light into the darkness.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John 13:34

Today, we live among those who are hurt and in fear. Sometimes, I find myself overwhelmed with grief for the body of Christ. I hear some people say that prayer is not enough, we need action, but prayer is the action we make for it is only through Him that we will find truth. We activate our faith which guides us to speak and do what is righteous before God.

When were we deemed the holy crusaders of today, burning down villages and churches in the name of the Lord? Honor is not about choosing a blue stripe or a black flag; if you place those symbols before your faith, then you are the problem.

I am no super hero. I have no super powers. Honestly, I wish I had super speed, but that is a topic for another day. I am a human being. I am almost twenty-three and guess what? I do not have all the answers. I know that I do not know it all. What a shock right?

That image I described before, is not the way I see myself. Heck, I am sure it is not the way any person sees me. Today, I hope you have a desire to hear what your heart is beating for. Is it wanting to make your city a better place? Do you have a pulse of compassion? What happens when no one knows what God can give? Will you put your pride aside and stand to be the solution to a desert city in desperate need of water. Will you be at the well asking for drink?

 

A Letter to My Past Self

Dear twenty-year-old Norma,

Your smile is contagious, never forget that. You are better than you feel. The papers will pile up, but I promise you education is power, so pursue it relentlessly. Be happy to make new friends. It is always a good idea to laugh along and smile back at people. Do not run away from your problems. It is when you approach them head on that you will find your victory, every time. Enjoy where you are no matter what. You do not know when you will have your last conversation with someone you consider a best friend. It is more than okay to move on.

Dear younger Norma, do not run in front of that car. If they walk away from you, it is not always to hurt you. Growth is healthful. Like a sunflower blossoms in the summer and a tulip in the spring, people have their own seasons too. Every time you see someone receive what you have been asking for, rejoice with them. It is only preparing you for your next blessing.

Enjoy the company of those you feel might not be worth your time. They are worth your time. Remember to love with God’s love and help with His heart. Hug with intention. Use your words with piercingly loving precision. It has not failed yet.

Forget that five year plan you made at seventeen. Allow God to guide you first. Allow Him to show you what His plan is for you and follow that. Stay focused. Remember to love no matter the situation. Love is rewarding. Teaching fiercely does not mean anything if you do not correct in love. Tolerance is not love, remember this too.

Dear second semester of sophomore year Norma, yes, you loved him at eighteen, but nothing like you will love him at twenty-two. I will let you know about twenty-three, but I am sure it will be so much greater. Be patient with your dreams. Do not lose them. Dreams are hope and inspiration. They are the vehicle to your destination. Faith is your fuel. Love is the motion.

Do not underestimate yourself. You have more to offer than you feel like you ever had. Remember to always give God every problem. Give God permission to dig deep into the foundation of your being, daily. Allow Him to pour himself into you. Doing so brings your gunk to the surface and that is okay. This is why it is always important for His love to be overflowing. True love is without void and is always forgiving.

Norma, forgive others daily until you know you are healed. Know that you are not enough by yourself and that is okay. Do not expect yourself to be perfect for another person, we all face adversity. Be sensitive to those in need of a hug or a smile.

It is okay to be happy without a smile plastered on your face. A smile can also be an excellent self-reminder of how happy you really are.

With best regards,

Norma Payne

 

 

Anticipation of Advent

Twinkling light trimmings across buildings and houses.

I watch movies and hear songs sung.

Party here dinner there.

Red lipstick, high heels, and dresses.

I cannot sing without a jingle bell 

Say rock, say rock.

With a O Holy Night

And Away in a Manger.

Christmas this. Christmas that.

Trees, bells, garland, and Santa.

‘Twas the night before the night before

The whole world wishes good

World Peace and good will toward men.

No wonder we call it

The most wonderful time of the year.


What it Takes to be Mighty

They call her little or small but she knows

Even the smallest wolf in the wolf pack 

Howls at the moon and the sky

They do not know her size

It is the strength in her heart that resounds

She calls for her wants and her needs

The wilderness bows to their knees.

She is mighty.

The world is vast.

There are many faces, many minds

Many minds with billions of voices.

Her heart overflows with passion and unrest.

Not everyone hears her.

She speaks anyway

For she is mighty.

There is nothing she calls to her name

No wealth, no land.

Nothing but a working body and health.

Her mind is intact.

She is free.

No one can touch her dreams.

She knows who holds the world.

She is mighty.

My Life Painted Red

La vie en rose for the spring, I love you.

Autumn amber settles my soul from September to late October.

Paint my life red now

My sweet sweet December rouge.

I want to melt in all of your love

I see colors of gray and blue.

Fight the wind and fog, I just want to see you.

Bring your colors of warmth and rage.

I want your passion and readiness.

Give me strength to carry on.

I want to love indefinitely and relentlessly.

Inspire me. Embrace me.

Your smile both brings joy and fear.

I shake from excitement and love.

I am a little all over the place.

But my love is devoted.

So take my love wholly.

In any avenue and fashion.

Paint my life red.

December Arrival: Birthday Post

Good morning Once Twentied readers.

The day is Friday, the second of December in the year two thousand and sixteen. If you are living in sunny Southern California, the weather is somewhere between forty-eight and fifty-two degrees (Fahrenheit of course) with clear skies. Low winds are expected throughout the day with mild cloud coverage. If you live elsewhere, too bad. It is the perfect day to visit the sunny side of the golden state. Today is a good day. It is December.We have arrived.

Twenty-three years ago I rushed into this world with my ever signature dramatic style. I have been rolling in the mercy, grace, and glory ever since. It is my birthday and I know it is always important to celebrate because I was born with purpose. I was created to change the world. I have arrived for this appointed time to effect change in this world. Do you know what else? You are meant to change your world as well. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. If you doubt what I say, I know someone adores you. I know God does. And if you are special to Him, then you are special to me.

Today is our day, because this is the day the Lord has made and we will rejoice, and guess what? I sure as heck, will be glad in it. Do you want to know why I know this? The Bible told me so.

Last month I toiled my soul for new words of inspiration and found nothing. My heart was void of all things I wanted to say. I felt gray. Thanksgiving was great but today is different. Today I declare the real reason for this season (inner church kid self-five), Christmas time is here.

I listen to Christmas music from mid-September to Boxing Day. I spend those months working on Christmas plays. I am an aspiring playwright. Today my play will be produced at my local church. Someday I might hit Broadway. I dream of one of my plays being performed at  Brooklyn Tabernacle’s Christmas production someday.

The Christmas season was meant to invoke the anticipation of the Savior coming to earth. This is advent. The King of kings is coming and His party is going to be lit. The birthday boy will be the talk of the town, because when he shows up, angels will sing and wise men from the east will arrive from their long journey with gifts. I heard there might be a DJ by the name of Drummer Boy.

Jesus is so cool. He is so hipster, he was born in a manger with hay in a barn before it was popular to have an outdoor barn type of reception or event. His arrival was perfect. Jesus is perfect. He came to earth, so humble. He was born to a young girl who loved God and became a servant to Him. She carried the Son of God. She loved him like her own son, knowing He would always be God’s first.

I know this season might be a little lonely for some people. I have my moments too. You are not alone. You are never too far from love either. I encourage you to find a good advent devotional this month. Follow it everyday. Learn what it is like to anticipate something more than a gift from Santa. I promise the gifts God brings are way cooler and a lot more useful.

Impressions

But a soft touch smudged my hollow heart.
You ever so delightfully pulled me in

Not too close

For my fear of loving you so deeply

With final result of loss

I am not afraid 

I am yielding.

No longer will I be anxious.

Honest.

Concise and forgiving.

Let this blemish be my token of your affection.

Please.

Don’t press me any further.

Why Dogs are Your Best Friend

A couple weeks ago I took in this puppy for about a week and a half. She was a chihuahua-Italian greyhound mix and she was a fireball. On day one I met her and I could tell affection was her language. Some dogs prefer food, others love the words, and she loved to be scratched on her chest and her belly. I knew after day one, she had to find a new owner. I offered her to a handful of people. Some asked for her but could not take her in. Finally, she found a home. She was named after a cereal. She loves that family. 

Before this puppy, I had a dog for about eleven years. This other dog was also a chihuahua. She was my little companion. I took her everywhere she was not allowed to go and then some. She loved catching bugs and burrowing into blankets. Others, of course, called her a rat. She did bark often, very often. She knew to come with me every time I felt alone. She would find a place to sit or lay down as long as her little body was up against mine. I knew I had more than a pet. I had a friend when no one knew I needed a friend.

I talk about it all the time. I want a dog. I want a new pet. I have not worked towards getting one only because I know I am not ready for one. I feel like whatever one is out there deserves the best lifestyle as possible and I could not offer that right now. It is okay though, because I know I will have a puppy at the right time. It will the right fit for both Kalvin and I as well as for the dog.

My Five Steps of Falling in Love

Have you ever wondered why you all of a sudden find yourself infatuated with someone who you never before acknowledged? I remember the moments that led me to my relationship with Kalvin. The moments were not always spontaneous and magical. I was eighteen and filled with zeal when Kal caught my eye. I refused to have anything stand in my way of what God had intended for me. Unknown to me, my future was right in front of my life, waiting for me to take a leap into a pool of dense atmosphere.

When I see other young people say they love each other, I too smile like those who did so to Kal and I at our many dates before we married. Disclosure, the smiles and awes have yet to stop. He and I rarely have a time where we are not told we are adorable. It is much appreciated and well received, but it does not define who we are. It became apparent to become who I was supposed to be as a young woman when I began to let go of other people’s opinions on how I should live my life. For too long, the people I surrounded myself around were people who believed they knew best on how we were allowed to date as a young couple. A lot of those people had not even been in a relationship or a Godly one at that. It is important to know who you go to for a good counsel. I believe it is also beneficial to have friends who are dating as well. Those who have similar standards and goals are that much more appropriate for each other to stay encouraged on their journey. 

If you are reading this and have yet to find your love. I want to encourage you with my five steps of falling in love. His might sound like a checklist or a way for you to find love but really I am just letting you in on my process of realization.

1. The Let Down

When I first met Kalvin, I had this idea he was going to be as tall has another friend that I had. I had told our mutual friend at the time that this other friend was really tall and funny. She somehow omitted Kalvin’s height and really wanted me to meet him. When I met Kalvin it all became a blur because I was almost immediately lost interest in even introducing myself. 

2. Thank You Notes

About six or seven month after that moment. I had given Kalvin a book to borrow and a few weeks later he gave it back. He wrote on sticky notes how appreciative he was for borrowing the book and how he learned so much from it. I took the notes for whatever reason and stuck them to a school notebook for weeks it was the first thing I saw in each class. Somehow the more I saw the note the more I thought about him. I began to think of him as a sweet person. I did not realize my mind was changing until a classmate asked what I was smiling about when I was staring at my notebook and outlining the note that I stuck to the cover of my notebook. I tried to quickly snap out of it. 

3. Second Glance

A month after the notebook incident, I revisited Oral Roberts University as a high school visiting student. I knew Kalvin was visiting as well but he and I did not visit together. I had my friends and he was making his own. When I saw him there on campus, he had shaved his mustache that was a part of his look for years. I then did not see him as completely unattractive but still did not really have any interest in dating him. 

4. Pranks, Promposals, and Pledges 

This is the moment Kalvin and I have marked as our dating anniversary. On April fools day of 2012 I had the absolutely brilliant idea of having the one person everyone in my youth group wanted me to date to actually act like we had started seeing each other. That evening we announced it was all a joke and nothing was happening between us. No one believed us of course. Two days later Kalvin asked me to prom in this elaborate plan to hike and ask me at the top of Cowles mountain I front of my whole youth group. Knowing what happened a couple nights before, I thought and ask if this was a joke as well. It was not a joke. I then asked him to my prom through some scripture verses. [What a great idea, I know]. We then met with each other via skype to talk about dating. I told him I was not the type to just date. If we dated there was going to an end goal of eventually getting married. We both looked at each other awkwardly after that statement. I remember he said “okay” we smiled and moved on with our night. It did not mean I had to marry him. It just made my intentions of dating more focused for both of us.

5. The Pursuit 

Like I mentioned before, dating was never easy. We did not always go to people who were well suited advise us on how we were supposed to treat each other. This ultimately lead to a break from dating each other for a year. It was difficult but incredibly rewarding. We came together and immersed ourselves in doing ministry. While learning how to work as a team it became more apparent our goals individually were to become one invincibly. It took a couple of years after the break for our promise to come together but almost four months after our wedding. We are seeing the blessing and benefits of all our hard work. It does not stop at the wedding though. It is a daily process for the both of us to strive to become who we are meant to be together and as individuals. This is our pursuit. 

Early Mornings and Late Nights

Safety. For about a month now, my body has adjusted to an early morning wake up schedule. I do not have a scheduled work day like most people, although I pray I do very soon. I usually wake up before the sun rises. I do not always stay up the whole morning because the morning have been cooler which means it can be harder to get out of my warm bed. 

This week and last week we had a few suspicious incidents where I felt my home was being compromised. For the first time in years, I felt unsafe in my own home. I think every child has their season of fear and it is always up to the parents to remind them and reassure them that everything will be okay. This week, I had my husband and God of course. I know God will always provide, project, and love me. I forget how great my life is to know that I have a home and bed to sleep at night. I am not in any danger. I thankful for it. 

I hope my early morning become my time of dedication to worship and prayer again. I hope my late nights become more about reading listening to his word. Maybe I am just saying what I want you to hear. I hope I get the opportunity to really experience a disciplined lifestyle.